In the softest hour
I think of you…
Time fills the voids of routine
but I cannot fill the empty spaces
of my heart.
For they remain
waiting for you…
to be with you again
and to lie in your arms
embraced in love
and all that we share.
Erasing the heartache
of our separation
and filling me once again
with all the opportunities
A life together
By Tessa Saks
Bury this love that hides deep in my soul
and blocks out the joy of living.
For I am ready to move past all the lies and pain
that remind me of what we once were
and of what we will never be.
I am tired and worn.
Ready to admit defeat against a formidable force…
the force of our love. And to succumb to the strength of our divide.
And all the opportunities that will never be.
Stillborn in the hate and hurt that never ceases to rise to the surface every time I think of you. Of us. And of all the years trailing me and expired. Long past the shelf life of love.
I am ready now. Free to begin again. In a new adventure and with a new outlook. And release the tide of uncertainty that continually washes to my shore. I buried you long ago. I buried us.
And it is only now that I see how I no longer need to carry the burden of lost love.
I am free to do whatever I please. Free to be whoever I want. And free to become all that I may be.
And discover that the secret to love…to life…to joy…is actually buried in me.
And all I have to do is dig deep and discover all that I am and release all the life and all the treasure–
that is in me.
By Tessa Saks
As your apprentice, am I legally bound to learn about love
from you–the master craftsman of desire?
Have I learned enough to make my way in the world
and cut the ties to the network of support
you give. Support that removes the doubts and fears
from my restless imagining
and leaves me free to envision a love
that is strong enough to endure all the many
challenges and setbacks that life weaves into the fabric of our nature.
Am I more than an apprentice? Have I evolved to surpass all that has been shown
and given? Am I not ready, now, for love? For real love that doesn’t harbor excuses or complaint.
A love that understands the words not spoken and releases the guilt of further heartache.
I am ready to move past the learning and failures. Past the rejected attempts for approval.
For I am now beyond you.
I have evolved past obedience and am ready for love that shares beyond the borders of greed and righteousness.
Ready to open my heart to the swelling tide of rapture without regret. Compassion without pity.
I am whole. A renewal of the bitter pieces made complete. And I have you to thank.
My patient and relentless master. The guidepost of my journey. The one who allowed me to fail and rebuild and rediscover
the joy of independence. The pleasure of self-fulfillment and determination.
Could I have risen so far without your steady support in my frailest hours?
I know the answer well. And so I thank you and bid you farewell.
For I am complete. I am whole again and ready to embrace the winds of love and all it’s storms.
Ready for the risks and danger that opening my heart exposes me to.
Waiting, in eager anticipation, of the endless possibilities that now lay before me.
And excited by the untapped potential to journey beyond my safety and discover
along the way
the many facets of love.
By Tessa Saks
Zip my heart shut tight, so it can never be opened again. Never exposed to the rawness of love and
all the encounters that chip away its strength. For I am damaged. In need of repair.
Desperate in my fragility to protect. And preserve
the fragments that remain and
remind me of you.
Of our love. Of all the nights of endless honesty and freedom that somehow dissolved
into a mask of hurt and indifference.
I lost you. In my selfish search for approval I sacrificed the most important
part of who I am. Of what I had been. And silenced the truth that united us beyond our flesh and fantasy.
We were one. We shared a bond that seemed forged for eternity. How was I to know how easy it could be fractured?
How could I know that the wedge of destruction is silent and efficient as it slices apart the memories…
laying them bare when the damage is complete. Beyond repair.
Leaving me with only my regret for comfort. And only my shame for solace.
I miss you more than I loved you. That is the shame of it. I never knew what we had until I felt the stinging of it’s absence.
And despite the years that will fall away into this well of darkness,
I remain. Forever scarred. Seeking reprieve from this miserable heart
that continues to hope
in foolish vanity
that one day
I can find the courage to unzip this heart
and love again.
There is a border that keeps love safe. A wall that protects us from pain.
We stand behind it waiting to see when to let down our guard. And when we can trust that expressing how we really feel is safe.
Why are we so afraid to be hurt?
To say how we really feel?
Can it be that we do not trust others?
Or is that we do not trust ourselves?
That somehow, deep within, we are unsure of ourselves and need to hear from someone else first.
Need to know that we aren’t way offside. Or crazy.
That what we feel is shared. And mutual.
Before we open up and make a fool of ourselves
we test the water.
We wait in safety behind the border, for the clear signal.
And then…only then…can we let go and release the pent up feelings. The longings.
Like a force braced for an eternity, the desire explodes from our innermost soul
to free us from the repressed passion that tortured us beyond measure.
With euphoria and joy, we captivate all around us in the pleasure of finally allowing who we are and what we love to be revealed.
And the border that held us in…incarcerated love that could never be revealed. Now, finally freed.
The wonders of being who we really are and loving with fierce devotion, our blessed one.
Our kindred soul.
Our eternal love.
By Tessa Saks
Can I live without love and endure an empty heart?
From nights of empty promises.
Filled with desire and all the pleasure
But far beneath the ecstasy surfaced lies
and untold misery.
I am not what you want.
And despite my best efforts to please you, I still lack so much in your estimation.
I am not perfect. But I believed in perfect love.
I believed in you. In us.
And no matter what you do with your endless hours
without me, know that I forgive.
But I will not forget.
I will remember what was.
And all that was good and pure.
The countless beautiful moments that united us in heart and body.
And kept us strong.
Forever cast away
into the wanton nights of heartache.
Where I wait.
If love will return.
By Tessa Saks
How could I ever love you less? Beyond the expectations and obligations
That keep us apart I crave to hold you again and recapture all the power
of pleasure that melds us as one. United in the knowledge that you know who I am
and all that I may be
and that no matter what worries taint this life of ours
We are together. In mind and body.
Without concern or judgement.
Free to explore all that we are and all
that we may become. When one day
you return and I
can hold you close
and never let you go.