I used to be more reckless. More daring.
Somehow along the way I started to hedge my risk. Maybe it is part of growing up.
But as I became more responsible I also became safe.
And when you are playing it safe, you no longer take chances.
You suddenly care more about protecting what you have instead of going out and discovering more.
It can happen in so many different ways.
I wanted safe investments. More secure work. A safer neighborhood. A safer holiday.
I decorated in neutral. I wore neutrals. I embraced the blandness of neutrality for mediocrity.
So began the lure of routine and comfort in the status quo.
Nothing changed. And I didn’t want it to. I became inflexible to so many things.
Trips to the same places. Eating at the same restaurants. Shopping at the same stores and buying the same things over and over.
Discontinued products bothered me. Favorite products wearing out or breaking beyond repair caused tension.
I started buying things in multiples so I wouldn’t run out. Ever.
I didn’t want to have to make choices. To try things and have them disappoint me.
I needed my life to be predictable.
And yet I imagined taking chances.
I dreamed of opportunities. Of following my heart.
Of being a daring and bold free spirit, living life to the fullest.
Letting passion guide me to joyful adventures.
Embracing life in the moment.
Replacing anxiety with curiosity and wonder.
Sparking the fires of my soul to try new things. To step out of my comfort zone and live.
Filling my days with happiness.
And the uncertainty of tomorrow disarmed so I might experience the joy of discovery today.
Of trying something new.
Of making mistakes and moving on. Unbroken. Intact.
And never again
By Tessa Saks
There is a border that keeps love safe. A wall that protects us from pain.
We stand behind it waiting to see when to let down our guard. And when we can trust that expressing how we really feel is safe.
Why are we so afraid to be hurt?
To say how we really feel?
Can it be that we do not trust others?
Or is that we do not trust ourselves?
That somehow, deep within, we are unsure of ourselves and need to hear from someone else first.
Need to know that we aren’t way offside. Or crazy.
That what we feel is shared. And mutual.
Before we open up and make a fool of ourselves
we test the water.
We wait in safety behind the border, for the clear signal.
And then…only then…can we let go and release the pent up feelings. The longings.
Like a force braced for an eternity, the desire explodes from our innermost soul
to free us from the repressed passion that tortured us beyond measure.
With euphoria and joy, we captivate all around us in the pleasure of finally allowing who we are and what we love to be revealed.
And the border that held us in…incarcerated love that could never be revealed. Now, finally freed.
The wonders of being who we really are and loving with fierce devotion, our blessed one.
Our kindred soul.
Our eternal love.
By Tessa Saks
Ever lose something? Something that seemed impossible to replace?
What determines the value to us?
Is it merely that it is irreplaceable? Or precious?
I think the things we value most are the ones stored in our hearts. We love them and need them so we create a backup of memories in case of loss.
The people we love have an important place there. So too our loving animals. These are the sacred values. The ones that make life better and hard to live without. One of life’s bitter ironies is that often we don’t realize just how much we value someone until they’re gone. Then the backup memory isn’t enough. You miss them more than you could ever imagine. You would give anything to have another moment with them.
So while I might value my house or my car or all my books, I now realize that what I value most can never be replaced. It’s the one that is so easy to take for granted.
It’s the love I share with others. And the love I receive when I stop putting other things ahead of people.
But what about value as a moral compass? How do I define what my values are?
I see them as an extension of what matters most to me. By choosing to do one thing and not the other I see my values in action. Every day, every choice is related to what I value. I want a healthy body so I make choices for it to thrive. Not always. But I know
that if I can sacrifice what I want with what I need instead, I am adding value to my life.
Values are woven into all that I do and say.
So if you want to see your values, look at your choices.
And if you want to show how valuable someone or something is, make better choices.
Demonstrate that this, above all else, is what I value.
By Tessa Saks
Who am I?
What is the message I send to the world?
Am I who I think I am?
If we had no clothes how would we express ourselves? And how important would it be to display our inner message to others? Would body marking be the rage? Would we be happier?
I am not my clothes. Never have been. But they do offer clues as to who I am trying to be or who I want to be. And thankfully, it has changed over the years.
What we wear is important in our society as every job or status-role has predefined ideals and standards of what is acceptable and what isn’t. You can think you are a rebel but somehow you are still conforming to a pre-set bunch of rules.
From Hudderites in black and white polka-dots to bikers in leather vests to saffron colored zen robes, there are codes for who we are–and maybe more important– what group we belong to. And in a way they do help hide who we are afraid we aren’t. A uniform can add confidence and bury fear. But for how long?
I have purposely tried to avoid following fashion as dictated by the magazines and instead sought to find my own style. One that represents how I feel about who I am and what I love. But I am still influenced. I love fabric and color and texture. I appreciate beautiful workmanship.
I do want people to understand more about me by what I wear. Years ago, I tried to go super-conservative for work and found myself living a lie. I wanted to belong and to fit in, but I was not who I pretended to be. I needed to let my inner diva out. And when I finally admitted this to myself, I also changed jobs.
I need freedom to be me.
And the outer layers of my clothing do represent a slice of the inner me.
I am grateful to live in a world where we can use clothing as a message to others about a tiny part of us.
And I fear a future world like in sci-fi which has us wearing jumpsuits or matching uniforms. A massive army of clones, afraid to be different. Afraid to stand out. Afraid to take chances and make mistakes. Because I would rather look back at my crazy 80’s shoulder pads knowing that I experimented and took some chances, than have a photo album full of safe and boring outfits to match a safe and boring life.
So yes to self-expression. It’s what living is all about.
Can I live without love and endure an empty heart?
From nights of empty promises.
Filled with desire and all the pleasure
But far beneath the ecstasy surfaced lies
and untold misery.
I am not what you want.
And despite my best efforts to please you, I still lack so much in your estimation.
I am not perfect. But I believed in perfect love.
I believed in you. In us.
And no matter what you do with your endless hours
without me, know that I forgive.
But I will not forget.
I will remember what was.
And all that was good and pure.
The countless beautiful moments that united us in heart and body.
And kept us strong.
Forever cast away
into the wanton nights of heartache.
Where I wait.
If love will return.
By Tessa Saks
Is life a test?
It has to be. Why else would bad things happen if not to test our resolve?
Or to help us grow?
I see life as an uncharted map with multiple options at every moment. And in those options lie opportunities.
The opportunity to be kind.
The opportunity to forgive.
The opportunity to help.
The opportunity for adventure.
The opportunity to learn.
For risk/reward or risk/lesson.
Maybe instead of thinking in terms of a test where there is a pass/fail mindset–how about life as a series of lessons?
And the lessons move us forward so we can try new things without fear.
The more lessons we take, the more we grow and evolve.
Instead of reliving mistakes and bad luck or poor choices, we learn from them and continue on a path towards better choices.
Perhaps at the end of our life, when all our lessons are over, we see the results of this test. A big picture essay of our life. And of all that we have done. And the score isn’t measured on a pass/fail but on a contribution to living.
Did we live?
Did we love?
Did we try?
Was there effort towards something?
And most important–
Did we learn from our choices and: Make things better? Become happier and more alive?
So where are you now in this test of life?
By Tessa Saks
Can we ever be finished? I hope not.
Striving is a part of all of us. Life is the constant moving forward and forever improving. We are not born with everything figured out. We learn and grow and continue on this journey of discovery. And in the discovery comes the joy. The joy of a new adventure, a new toy, a new friend or new love. Anything can inspire us and reveal feelings. Good or bad they tell us where to go next.
And the journey continues until we decide to stop trying new things. To rest. To stay where we are and just be. But then we become unhappy. We expect everything around us to stay the same. But they can’t. Life is advancing, with or without us. It is all about change. And in that change we continue to add to the masterpiece of our life.
We are both creator and recipient of all creation. A team of builders and artists on an eternal canvas. The canvas of life. And as any artist knows, a true masterpiece is never finished. It will always remain a work-in-progress. A beautiful, inspiring collaborative project.
And so we are one. United in our perfection and our differences.
Ever growing. Ever-changing. And never finished.
By Tessa Saks