Why would anyone want to lose control?
When we live in a world that teaches us–
that encourages us–to gain mastery over every part of our lives.
With self-help sections of bookstores and libraries bursting with guidance.
And every one around us offering advice on how to fix our lives to perfection.
No one tells us how to free ourselves from our own constraints.
From our own judgements and reprisal.
No one wants us to be untethered and careless.
We fit in best when we match the routines surrounding us.
When we follow the rules of order created by others.
I know because I constantly battle to free myself creatively. To take risks. To be bold.
And to journey into an unknown that is both terrifying and exhilarating.
Perhaps it’s harder because I do love order. I love to have my things easy to find. In great condition and useful.
I enjoy feeling in control. I am proud in my mastery of daily living. And I also do enjoy the recognition from others.
But wanting organization cannot be the same as freeing your soul to enjoy the best of life.
Or is it?
Right now I desire to feel the truth of nature. Of my nature. The recklessness of losing myself in time and space.
Without worry. Without regret. Without guilt.
Where others let go of their expectations of me so I may discover my own uniqueness. My own truth. The harmony of my soul with life.
I am on a journey and haven’t yet arrived.
I am not ready to unpack my bags and stay put.
I seek new frontiers of experience. New vistas to challenge the creativity that lies, buried in the recesses of my soul.
What will it take to free me? Perhaps in my quest there is no answer.
There is only action. And actions taken will lead me further down the path of discovery.
The path to who I really am. And all that I may be.
By Tessa Saks
One thing I never considered in the self-reflection of my passions–is their relation to greed.
Am I greedy?
Guilty as charged.
I declare my avid love of books. Of art. Of history. Of beautiful objects. Of costumes and fashion history. Of flowers and trees. Of oceans and beaches. Of babies.
Of living. Of loving.
I enjoy indulging in all of these and more. And my appetite never wanes. I can never have enough. My sensory overload is limitless when it comes to my desires. I seem to gain energy from my longings. They charge with pleasure in multitudes of ways. I become more. More connected. More loving. More joyous. More forgiving. More tolerant. More compassionate. More creative. More of the real me. The one free from the expectations of others.
I need only to think about the these loves of mine and I am happier. And when I experience them firsthand–happier still. I am boundless in my cravings.
And like an addict, they seem to grow. Enlarging my appetite for more. Opening space within my soul for new experiences and opportunities. There is never enough. Never an end. Never a feeling of completion. For this is an onward journey, expanding the horizons of my soul.
And so I am also greedy. My insatiable demand for more is endless. And despite what others may think or say, I will continue forever in my quest to relish in the richness of life and all the encounters that lay before me.
I am evolving. And avid. So very very avid.
But the bigger question I wonder is:
Are you avid and greedy too?
Ever lose something? Something that seemed impossible to replace?
What determines the value to us?
Is it merely that it is irreplaceable? Or precious?
I think the things we value most are the ones stored in our hearts. We love them and need them so we create a backup of memories in case of loss.
The people we love have an important place there. So too our loving animals. These are the sacred values. The ones that make life better and hard to live without. One of life’s bitter ironies is that often we don’t realize just how much we value someone until they’re gone. Then the backup memory isn’t enough. You miss them more than you could ever imagine. You would give anything to have another moment with them.
So while I might value my house or my car or all my books, I now realize that what I value most can never be replaced. It’s the one that is so easy to take for granted.
It’s the love I share with others. And the love I receive when I stop putting other things ahead of people.
But what about value as a moral compass? How do I define what my values are?
I see them as an extension of what matters most to me. By choosing to do one thing and not the other I see my values in action. Every day, every choice is related to what I value. I want a healthy body so I make choices for it to thrive. Not always. But I know
that if I can sacrifice what I want with what I need instead, I am adding value to my life.
Values are woven into all that I do and say.
So if you want to see your values, look at your choices.
And if you want to show how valuable someone or something is, make better choices.
Demonstrate that this, above all else, is what I value.
By Tessa Saks
Can we ever be finished? I hope not.
Striving is a part of all of us. Life is the constant moving forward and forever improving. We are not born with everything figured out. We learn and grow and continue on this journey of discovery. And in the discovery comes the joy. The joy of a new adventure, a new toy, a new friend or new love. Anything can inspire us and reveal feelings. Good or bad they tell us where to go next.
And the journey continues until we decide to stop trying new things. To rest. To stay where we are and just be. But then we become unhappy. We expect everything around us to stay the same. But they can’t. Life is advancing, with or without us. It is all about change. And in that change we continue to add to the masterpiece of our life.
We are both creator and recipient of all creation. A team of builders and artists on an eternal canvas. The canvas of life. And as any artist knows, a true masterpiece is never finished. It will always remain a work-in-progress. A beautiful, inspiring collaborative project.
And so we are one. United in our perfection and our differences.
Ever growing. Ever-changing. And never finished.
By Tessa Saks
I don’t want to panic.
But I do. And every time it happens I wish for more control. Panic contributes to the chaos. So I’ve learned over the years that panic shows me what I fear most. And from that overreaction I can discover what really matters. And by focusing on what really matters, I can find some calm and control in the midst of panic. I can reduce my fear and find solutions. And what really matters can be salvaged. Or mended.
Over time, when I look back at all that fear, I see panic can be part of the process of being alive. Of feeling. And loving. And wanting. Needing. Desire.
The times that caused me the highest panic were when I was afraid of losing something very important. And when you know what is most important, decisions become easier. Choices more clear.
Sometimes you need a wake-up call to help you focus. I know I did.
And once awoken and on the right path, it’s easier to stay calm. To trust and have faith. To move forward armed with the confidence that no matter what obstacles or events throw you off course and challenge you–there is no need to panic!
by Tessa Saks
In every moment
I stir with a yearning
that disrupts my daily life
beyond my reason.
I hold back
against the dark forces
to the surface of my soul
In every moment…
in every act…
is the thought of you.
The remembered longing
of your touch.
I am chained to you
in ways I do not want
and yet I do.
How can I know peace
my very core is riddled
with a longing
that can never be met?
beyond any satisfaction.
But I return.
Again and again,
to the pressure of you.
Against my sound mind
passion of my soul.
I’ll never have
what I long for.
In the still of the night
through the peaks and valleys
this longing remains.
Forever burning for you.
By Tessa Saks
You are the One
By Tessa Saks
You are the light
that fills my days with meaning.
You are the joy
that awakens my soul with pleasure.
You are the one
who ignites my deepest passion.
And no matter where you are
or what you choose to do
Know that deep in my heart
I will love only you.