Bury this love that hides deep in my soul
and blocks out the joy of living.
For I am ready to move past all the lies and pain
that remind me of what we once were
and of what we will never be.
I am tired and worn.
Ready to admit defeat against a formidable force…
the force of our love. And to succumb to the strength of our divide.
And all the opportunities that will never be.
Stillborn in the hate and hurt that never ceases to rise to the surface every time I think of you. Of us. And of all the years trailing me and expired. Long past the shelf life of love.
I am ready now. Free to begin again. In a new adventure and with a new outlook. And release the tide of uncertainty that continually washes to my shore. I buried you long ago. I buried us.
And it is only now that I see how I no longer need to carry the burden of lost love.
I am free to do whatever I please. Free to be whoever I want. And free to become all that I may be.
And discover that the secret to love…to life…to joy…is actually buried in me.
And all I have to do is dig deep and discover all that I am and release all the life and all the treasure–
that is in me.
By Tessa Saks
What is a promise?
Is it an absolute? A must do?
Or is it a kinda-sorta type of thing?
I see promises as extensions of our inner souls and as such we must be aware of what we do promise both to ourselves and to others.
For promises are often broken, but not with intent. More often it is with a failure of understanding the scope of the commitment and the ability to live up to it.
I promise myself all kind of little things only to fail.
And in failing, to frustrate myself again and again.
I’ve promised myself to stop swearing. Fail.
I’ve promised myself to be organized. Fail.
I’ve promised myself to stop eating late. Fail.
Instead of punishing myself, I should accept my limitations.
And work to understand why it is so hard for me to keep these vows. Are they even possible?
Where is the disconnect?
Is it in my heart? Do I really mean what I say?
Or am I merely saying what I think I should say, without reference to who I am?
Do I care more about appearances than truth?
Why is it so easy to lie to ourselves? To pretend we are different than we are.
I think it happens when we are afraid to be ourselves.
Afraid to look inside and see what really motivates us and inspires us. Or scares us.
When I look at the promises that are easy to keep “to love, honor and cherish” for example, what makes it easy is when it is unconditional and free.
I allow myself to be true to my heart.
It only becomes challenging when I begin to hold expectations of what others need to do or need to be.
But did my promise have conditions? Did I suddenly rewrite the rules?
Or perhaps I wasn’t clear enough in my pledge?
Maybe promises to others should be clear enough that there is room for amendments.
Or perhaps it is better to not make promises.
But to live in the moment and say “today I love you with all my heart”.
“I want to continue to love you forever.”
“So let’s both do this every day.”
Then in 20 years we can see if it was a promise or merely a dream.
And I hope with every fiber of my being
that our love will prove to be a promise that we kept.
by Tessa Saks
There is a border that keeps love safe. A wall that protects us from pain.
We stand behind it waiting to see when to let down our guard. And when we can trust that expressing how we really feel is safe.
Why are we so afraid to be hurt?
To say how we really feel?
Can it be that we do not trust others?
Or is that we do not trust ourselves?
That somehow, deep within, we are unsure of ourselves and need to hear from someone else first.
Need to know that we aren’t way offside. Or crazy.
That what we feel is shared. And mutual.
Before we open up and make a fool of ourselves
we test the water.
We wait in safety behind the border, for the clear signal.
And then…only then…can we let go and release the pent up feelings. The longings.
Like a force braced for an eternity, the desire explodes from our innermost soul
to free us from the repressed passion that tortured us beyond measure.
With euphoria and joy, we captivate all around us in the pleasure of finally allowing who we are and what we love to be revealed.
And the border that held us in…incarcerated love that could never be revealed. Now, finally freed.
The wonders of being who we really are and loving with fierce devotion, our blessed one.
Our kindred soul.
Our eternal love.
By Tessa Saks
Can I live without love and endure an empty heart?
From nights of empty promises.
Filled with desire and all the pleasure
But far beneath the ecstasy surfaced lies
and untold misery.
I am not what you want.
And despite my best efforts to please you, I still lack so much in your estimation.
I am not perfect. But I believed in perfect love.
I believed in you. In us.
And no matter what you do with your endless hours
without me, know that I forgive.
But I will not forget.
I will remember what was.
And all that was good and pure.
The countless beautiful moments that united us in heart and body.
And kept us strong.
Forever cast away
into the wanton nights of heartache.
Where I wait.
If love will return.
By Tessa Saks
I am so lost
In the black depths
Of the nights of love
That I can no longer tell
Dream from reality
And I pour on it my own tears.
How could I ever love you less? Beyond the expectations and obligations
That keep us apart I crave to hold you again and recapture all the power
of pleasure that melds us as one. United in the knowledge that you know who I am
and all that I may be
and that no matter what worries taint this life of ours
We are together. In mind and body.
Without concern or judgement.
Free to explore all that we are and all
that we may become. When one day
you return and I
can hold you close
and never let you go.
Is there love without sacrifice? Can I endure past the misery of longing?
I wait in expectation for your return and the pleasure of nights in your arms.
You demonstrate the ultimate sacrifice through
and the risks required to keep us safe.
And so I too
must live without you near
and wait with patience and anticipation
for the day
when you are here
and I no longer need fear
that you will be taken from me.
And love will erase any sense of loss
or traces of abandonment.
For we will be as one.
United in love and life.