Why would anyone want to lose control?
When we live in a world that teaches us–
that encourages us–to gain mastery over every part of our lives.
With self-help sections of bookstores and libraries bursting with guidance.
And every one around us offering advice on how to fix our lives to perfection.
No one tells us how to free ourselves from our own constraints.
From our own judgements and reprisal.
No one wants us to be untethered and careless.
We fit in best when we match the routines surrounding us.
When we follow the rules of order created by others.
I know because I constantly battle to free myself creatively. To take risks. To be bold.
And to journey into an unknown that is both terrifying and exhilarating.
Perhaps it’s harder because I do love order. I love to have my things easy to find. In great condition and useful.
I enjoy feeling in control. I am proud in my mastery of daily living. And I also do enjoy the recognition from others.
But wanting organization cannot be the same as freeing your soul to enjoy the best of life.
Or is it?
Right now I desire to feel the truth of nature. Of my nature. The recklessness of losing myself in time and space.
Without worry. Without regret. Without guilt.
Where others let go of their expectations of me so I may discover my own uniqueness. My own truth. The harmony of my soul with life.
I am on a journey and haven’t yet arrived.
I am not ready to unpack my bags and stay put.
I seek new frontiers of experience. New vistas to challenge the creativity that lies, buried in the recesses of my soul.
What will it take to free me? Perhaps in my quest there is no answer.
There is only action. And actions taken will lead me further down the path of discovery.
The path to who I really am. And all that I may be.
By Tessa Saks
As your apprentice, am I legally bound to learn about love
from you–the master craftsman of desire?
Have I learned enough to make my way in the world
and cut the ties to the network of support
you give. Support that removes the doubts and fears
from my restless imagining
and leaves me free to envision a love
that is strong enough to endure all the many
challenges and setbacks that life weaves into the fabric of our nature.
Am I more than an apprentice? Have I evolved to surpass all that has been shown
and given? Am I not ready, now, for love? For real love that doesn’t harbor excuses or complaint.
A love that understands the words not spoken and releases the guilt of further heartache.
I am ready to move past the learning and failures. Past the rejected attempts for approval.
For I am now beyond you.
I have evolved past obedience and am ready for love that shares beyond the borders of greed and righteousness.
Ready to open my heart to the swelling tide of rapture without regret. Compassion without pity.
I am whole. A renewal of the bitter pieces made complete. And I have you to thank.
My patient and relentless master. The guidepost of my journey. The one who allowed me to fail and rebuild and rediscover
the joy of independence. The pleasure of self-fulfillment and determination.
Could I have risen so far without your steady support in my frailest hours?
I know the answer well. And so I thank you and bid you farewell.
For I am complete. I am whole again and ready to embrace the winds of love and all it’s storms.
Ready for the risks and danger that opening my heart exposes me to.
Waiting, in eager anticipation, of the endless possibilities that now lay before me.
And excited by the untapped potential to journey beyond my safety and discover
along the way
the many facets of love.
By Tessa Saks
Zip my heart shut tight, so it can never be opened again. Never exposed to the rawness of love and
all the encounters that chip away its strength. For I am damaged. In need of repair.
Desperate in my fragility to protect. And preserve
the fragments that remain and
remind me of you.
Of our love. Of all the nights of endless honesty and freedom that somehow dissolved
into a mask of hurt and indifference.
I lost you. In my selfish search for approval I sacrificed the most important
part of who I am. Of what I had been. And silenced the truth that united us beyond our flesh and fantasy.
We were one. We shared a bond that seemed forged for eternity. How was I to know how easy it could be fractured?
How could I know that the wedge of destruction is silent and efficient as it slices apart the memories…
laying them bare when the damage is complete. Beyond repair.
Leaving me with only my regret for comfort. And only my shame for solace.
I miss you more than I loved you. That is the shame of it. I never knew what we had until I felt the stinging of it’s absence.
And despite the years that will fall away into this well of darkness,
I remain. Forever scarred. Seeking reprieve from this miserable heart
that continues to hope
in foolish vanity
that one day
I can find the courage to unzip this heart
and love again.
One thing I never considered in the self-reflection of my passions–is their relation to greed.
Am I greedy?
Guilty as charged.
I declare my avid love of books. Of art. Of history. Of beautiful objects. Of costumes and fashion history. Of flowers and trees. Of oceans and beaches. Of babies.
Of living. Of loving.
I enjoy indulging in all of these and more. And my appetite never wanes. I can never have enough. My sensory overload is limitless when it comes to my desires. I seem to gain energy from my longings. They charge with pleasure in multitudes of ways. I become more. More connected. More loving. More joyous. More forgiving. More tolerant. More compassionate. More creative. More of the real me. The one free from the expectations of others.
I need only to think about the these loves of mine and I am happier. And when I experience them firsthand–happier still. I am boundless in my cravings.
And like an addict, they seem to grow. Enlarging my appetite for more. Opening space within my soul for new experiences and opportunities. There is never enough. Never an end. Never a feeling of completion. For this is an onward journey, expanding the horizons of my soul.
And so I am also greedy. My insatiable demand for more is endless. And despite what others may think or say, I will continue forever in my quest to relish in the richness of life and all the encounters that lay before me.
I am evolving. And avid. So very very avid.
But the bigger question I wonder is:
Are you avid and greedy too?
Sometimes in life we can’t see the failings right in front of us.
We are so filled with optimism that we neglect the harsh reality confronting us on the horizon.
I know it is for me.
And so it is for my country.
And it seems that way for the world.
I do not like politics. I want to believe the world is run by people who care.
That the people in charge know what is best for the greater good of all of us.
But as of late, I worry.
For the first time in my life I feel like we are all on the titanic and there is no point in moving the deck chairs around when…
When we financially bust?
When we go to another war?
When we destroy another democracy in the name of our freedom?
When we blame others for our problems?
When we destroy ourselves through hate and envy?
Has anyone thought about what the world will be like when we finally hit the icebergs staring us in the face?
Even more important…what will we be like?
Will we finally heal ourselves and open to others?
Could we finally forget our differences and learn to get along?
Could everyone on the planet find joy in being alive and sharing in this experience of life?
Could we finally rearrange our hearts to love each other as if each day was our last?
Could we begin to heal the wounds created by the chaos that we never asked for?
Could the world become better through understanding?
I don’t know the answers any more than anyone else.
If nothing else, we are all united in our confusion.
But also by our hope.
The hope that one day, we can wake up to a better world.
A world that has been rearranged.
Rearranged by love.
By Tessa Saks
What is a promise?
Is it an absolute? A must do?
Or is it a kinda-sorta type of thing?
I see promises as extensions of our inner souls and as such we must be aware of what we do promise both to ourselves and to others.
For promises are often broken, but not with intent. More often it is with a failure of understanding the scope of the commitment and the ability to live up to it.
I promise myself all kind of little things only to fail.
And in failing, to frustrate myself again and again.
I’ve promised myself to stop swearing. Fail.
I’ve promised myself to be organized. Fail.
I’ve promised myself to stop eating late. Fail.
Instead of punishing myself, I should accept my limitations.
And work to understand why it is so hard for me to keep these vows. Are they even possible?
Where is the disconnect?
Is it in my heart? Do I really mean what I say?
Or am I merely saying what I think I should say, without reference to who I am?
Do I care more about appearances than truth?
Why is it so easy to lie to ourselves? To pretend we are different than we are.
I think it happens when we are afraid to be ourselves.
Afraid to look inside and see what really motivates us and inspires us. Or scares us.
When I look at the promises that are easy to keep “to love, honor and cherish” for example, what makes it easy is when it is unconditional and free.
I allow myself to be true to my heart.
It only becomes challenging when I begin to hold expectations of what others need to do or need to be.
But did my promise have conditions? Did I suddenly rewrite the rules?
Or perhaps I wasn’t clear enough in my pledge?
Maybe promises to others should be clear enough that there is room for amendments.
Or perhaps it is better to not make promises.
But to live in the moment and say “today I love you with all my heart”.
“I want to continue to love you forever.”
“So let’s both do this every day.”
Then in 20 years we can see if it was a promise or merely a dream.
And I hope with every fiber of my being
that our love will prove to be a promise that we kept.
by Tessa Saks
I used to be more reckless. More daring.
Somehow along the way I started to hedge my risk. Maybe it is part of growing up.
But as I became more responsible I also became safe.
And when you are playing it safe, you no longer take chances.
You suddenly care more about protecting what you have instead of going out and discovering more.
It can happen in so many different ways.
I wanted safe investments. More secure work. A safer neighborhood. A safer holiday.
I decorated in neutral. I wore neutrals. I embraced the blandness of neutrality for mediocrity.
So began the lure of routine and comfort in the status quo.
Nothing changed. And I didn’t want it to. I became inflexible to so many things.
Trips to the same places. Eating at the same restaurants. Shopping at the same stores and buying the same things over and over.
Discontinued products bothered me. Favorite products wearing out or breaking beyond repair caused tension.
I started buying things in multiples so I wouldn’t run out. Ever.
I didn’t want to have to make choices. To try things and have them disappoint me.
I needed my life to be predictable.
And yet I imagined taking chances.
I dreamed of opportunities. Of following my heart.
Of being a daring and bold free spirit, living life to the fullest.
Letting passion guide me to joyful adventures.
Embracing life in the moment.
Replacing anxiety with curiosity and wonder.
Sparking the fires of my soul to try new things. To step out of my comfort zone and live.
Filling my days with happiness.
And the uncertainty of tomorrow disarmed so I might experience the joy of discovery today.
Of trying something new.
Of making mistakes and moving on. Unbroken. Intact.
And never again
By Tessa Saks